the buzz

so, this weekend, after pushing and pushing of dates, i pick up my bees. terrified and excited and proud, i look forward to the smell of propolis.  i am thinking that this is the final stretch of a really trying time, my hands are wrung to the bone, my heart has only a few strings left, but my hindsight and minds eye are strong. i have had encouragement and strong armed friends. my new (old)(but steady) blue bathtub volvo, my oh-so-close-just-waiting-for-the-mail divorce is about to be finalized, and my sad eyed girl with no front teeth is officially my responsibility, with a smattering of well deserved me time thrown in. i never got a garden in, other things needed to be tending to, which is sad, but freeing.  the night is smelling like summer again, which to me is a musky warm corn pollen scent, though the corn is only a hand high. tonight, i realize that i never let thankful stay up late enough to actually see the fireflies (she is quite disagreeable if we go to bed too late), and i let her catch a few and set them free in her room. thrilled. it really is the simple things. for her, its to collect, see, and build a fantastic story around it, so she remembers it. for me, its to take on more, to take care of something, whether i could actually care for it or not. thus, the bee fear. but i am serious when i say that i am learning. really.  i am learning to identify if i can really honestly devote my time to something, to pick my battles.  i have been forced into patience, i have had to go to grown up places and put my feelings aside. i learned that i cant change anyone and that i probably wont change either. and i am okay with that. i am learning that i can accept help, but it still feels shitty. i learned that people change, and that i never want to get divorced again. never. and i learned above all, that happiness is a choice, and its always there, i just  have to decide i am happy. soo, if you see me driving an old loud volvo down the road, with a whining five year old in the back, and all the windows are down because it has no ac, remember that i am thinking my car is hot, and i am carrying a sweet girl who is learning to express her sound opinions and our hair is blowing in the wind, like a neil young song.